


the terrifying ordeal of being known (also, cookies)

by hestiaandhercat



Category: Mary Poppins (Movies), Mary Poppins - P. L. Travers
Genre: Bittersweet, F/F, Fluff, Lesbian Romance, i was really sad and single mother x magical nanny just seemed right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:01:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23704288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hestiaandhercat/pseuds/hestiaandhercat
Summary: „I‘m here for the position.“„I‘m sorry, I‘m not offering any positions.“The woman raises her eyebrows. „I don‘t need any pay. Just a place to stay and some food now and then.“Jen tries to close the door, but the woman has already put one foot inside the house.„I‘m Mary“, she says. „Mary Poppins.“
Relationships: Mary Poppins/OC
Kudos: 20





	1. one

The day that the woman comes is the one Jenna nearly loses her mind. It has nothing to do with the woman, of course (or maybe it does) – and more so with the fact that she has an essay to finish by the end of the day and three very loud, very unhelpful children running about.

„ Oh please“, she says in the midst of a completely unwanted and frankly, unneeded, pillow fight, the doorbell rings. It‘s probably gonna be Martin again, with his sad dog eyes and his rambly ‘take me back’ speeches, and Jen is not in the mood for any of that.

She opens the door, anyway, because she is British, and way too polite to deal with all these Americans.

„ I‘m really, really-“, she starts, and then cuts herself off suddenly when she realizes that the person in front of the door is not Martin at all.

„ Confused?“, the woman asks. She is wearing a raincoat and a knowing smile and her left hand is clutching an umbrella, despite the fact that there is not a single cloud to be seen in the sky today.

„ Can I help you?“, Jenna asks.

„ I‘m here for the position.“

„ I‘m sorry, I‘m not offering any positions.“

The woman raises her eyebrows. „I don‘t need any pay. Just a place to stay and some food now and then.“

Jen tries to close the door, but the woman has already put one foot inside the house.

„ I‘m Mary“, she says. „Mary Poppins.“

Jenna has never heard a name that sounds more fake. She does not need this woman in her house and she cannot pay her, whatever she is saying.

„ Why would I need you, though?“, she asks.

„ To watch over the children, of course.“ Mary‘s voice is crisp and fresh and sounds so naturally sure of herself that Jenna can‘t help but feel jealous.

„ How would you know that I have children?“

„ Please.“ She grabs her handbag, and pulls out something that looks like an old and weathered magazine. Jenna sees her own face on the title cover, and jerks back.

„ I‘m sorry.“ Mary does not seem to need any explanation for her reaction. „Anyway, I seem to recall that you mentioned several children in that interview.“

„ My husband takes care of them.“

„ Does he now?“ Something in her smile that isn‘t really a smile but also it is, says: „I know, so don‘t even try to fool me“. Jenna feels like a child for a moment and then she mostly feels angry.

„ I‘m going to close this door now“, she says. „I really don‘t need your help.“

She can hear the clatter of forks in the kitchen, and a second later, one of the kids starts crying. Something in her wants to fall to the floor and give up.

Mary seems to read her mind. 

„Excuse me“, she says, and then she has already pushed past Jenna and crossed the room to the kitchen door.

„ Excuse  _ me _ ?!“, Jenna says, rushing after her. „I did not allow you to-“

But then the kitchen door is already being thrown open and Mary Poppins steps inside. Jenna follows hastily, trying to put herself between her children and this madwoman.

Jane, who is sitting next to a crying Michael, looks up with a worried frown between her eyebrows.

„ He fell off the table, but it was totally his fault“, she says.

„ I‘m sure it was“, Mary says, before Jenna can even get a word out. „Or maybe it was the table‘s fault. You never know with these things.“

She kneels next to Michael, and reaches into her handbag.

„ That‘ll make it better“, she says a moment later, handing the boy a toffee.

„ Michael, you are not eating that“, Jen starts up, but Michael, who has never not eaten something, is already munching down on it happily.

Mary looks back at her. „Shouldn‘t you be writing?“

Jenna explodes. It is the most polite and British explosion possible, but an explosion nonetheless. She‘ll later refer to it as her Scottish Moment.

„ I must insist that you leave my house immediately“, she says. „I did not invite you here, and most certainly did not allow you to enter my house and get my children into taking drugs, or whatever it is you‘ve just given them.“

„ Just a spoonful of sugar“, Mary smiles.

„ Oh, that is it.“ Jenna makes to grab her, but Mary takes her arm instead, and leads her out of the kitchen, the children staring after them.

„ I am sorry if I have caused any outrage.“

„ You have indeed caused outrage. But I think my rage would subside if you just went outside now, and stayed on that side of the door for the rest of your life.“

Mary smiles at that. „Let‘s see this evening as a test run, okay? I am actually quite qualified at my job.“

„ And what exactly is it that you do? Drugging and murdering, or is that only a hobby next to breaking and entering?“

„ Shush. You are clearly upset because you are behind on your deadline and you‘ve bottled it up so long that it‘s a relief to be able to throw it into someone‘s face.“

„ I am not angry about my writing, I am angry at the complete stranger who simply enters my house, and then doesn‘t even-“

„ Go and write, sweetheart. If anything comes up, I‘ll inform you.“

And then, and Jenna is not quite sure how this happened afterwards, Mary goes back into the kitchen, and she herself closes the front door and then sets to work in the writing room.

She finishes her article an hour before the deadline and sends it in after only a quick proof read, since she‘s got an editor for that, anyway, and she doesn‘t want to deal with this shit anymore. It is only then that Jenna remembers the person she has left in charge of her children, and suddenly all the peaceful quiet of the last three hours is gone again.

She leaves the room in a rush and jumps down the stairs, nearly colliding with Mary who is on her way up.

„ Oh, there you are. I was just making some tea.“

She hands her one of the tea cups in her hand, and Jenna moves reflexively to catch it because it sure does seem like this person to simply let it fall if she doesn‘t.

„ How did you do that?!“, she wants to know.

„ Tea? Oh, it‘s very simple, actually. You just take hot water and-“

„ I meant, how did you convince me to leave you alone with my children?“

„ Well, it didn‘t hurt either your writing or your children, so I‘d describe it as one of your better decisions.“

„ Where are they?!“

„ They‘re upstairs, of course. Sleeping.“

She means to say something else as well, but Jenna already rushes past her, up the stairs again, and to the bedroom.

All of her three are sleeping peacefully, Jane and Michael in the room they are still sharing (on their explicit wish), and the baby in her own bedroom, in its little crib.

„ As I told you“, Mary says from behind her, and Jenna has a little heart attack.

When she turns around again, Mary looks at her with something that can only be described as concern. She is concerned for her, as if  _ she  _ isn‘t the lunatic who let herself in and very probably just drugged three children.

„ You‘ll need to get a bit of sleep yourself. I‘ll clean up the kitchen.“

„ What is in the kitchen?“‘

„ Oh, we made cookies.“

Jenna stares at her. „Look, I‘m not entirely sure if I‘m awake right now or if you‘re just part of a very unrealistic dream, but either way, you‘ll need to go now.“

Mary Poppins smiles. „How about you sleep on it?“ She pushes Jen into the direction of the bedroom. „And remember, I don‘t even need pay. Isn‘t that nice of me?“

And then she closes the door between them. Jenna stares at the door, then opens it again. Mary is not there anymore, but she can hear her humming downstairs, combined with a clatter of dishes.

This is crazy. She is crazy.

And yet Jenna doesn‘t go down there and tells Mary that she‘s gonna call the police if she doesn‘t leave immediately. Instead, she drags her feet into the en suite bathroom, changes into her pajamas and is in bed before midnight for the first time in ages. She‘s out cold before her head even hits the pillow.


	2. two

Jenna wakes up late in the morning, with the sunlight in her face and the weird, but strangely urgent thought that she fucked up somehow.  
This thought becomes a clear statement when she realizes that the baby isn‘t in the crib next to the bed. She jumps out of bed, belatedly noticing that the sun is already high up in the sky and that somebody must‘ve tinkered with her alarm. She rushes into the children‘s room and finds it empty as well, just when she hears a sound from downstairs.  
All three of her children and Mary Poppins are having a late and yummy looking breakfast on the kitchen counter when Jenna rushes in.  
„You are still here“, she says, and then: „Oh, eggs.“  
Mary takes her elbow and leads her out of the kitchen.  
„I don‘t mean to overstay my welcome“, she says.  
„There was no welcome.“  
„Ah, then I couldn‘t have overstayed it anyway. How refreshing.“  
„Listen, I don‘t really know what happened here last night, and I gotta say, I‘m kinda grateful that you took my children off my hands for a bit, but-“  
„But there is no but.“ Mary grabs her elbow again, this time not to pull her somewhere, but simply to ground her. Jenna stares at her hand until she pulls it back.  
„Come up with a good but, and I‘ll go.“  
„But I don‘t want my children around a total stranger who I know nothing about?“  
„But that‘s the way nanny-ing works. We can have a proper job interview as well, if you‘d like, but I don‘t think I‘ve got much competition, do I?“  
„I cannot let anyone know this address, as you know full well.“  
„Well, it‘s your lucky day, since I don‘t really care much about who I‘m working for.“  
„You could be a crazy stalker.“  
„I‘m most definitely a crazy stalker.“  
„Why would I want someone like that in my home?“  
„Well, the upside would be that I already know all of your crazy tics, so you wouldn‘t need to explain anything to me.“  
„How exactly is that an upsi-“  
„Anyway, I promise I‘m not gonna tell the press what is going on in this household. Not that it‘s that exciting, anyway.“  
And somehow, her words ring true. Mary Poppins might be many things, but she doesn‘t look like a liar.  
Nevertheless, Jen makes a mental note to get some better security. After the next book, maybe, when she has some money to spare. She is shockingly poor for a celebrity, but that’s what burnout, three kids and a bad breakup (not necessarily in that order) will do to you.  
Jenna looks at Mary, ready to tell her to fuck off and get out of her house, and then suddenly, she is feeling very, very tired.  
"I'm pretty sure you need to hand in the edit for your Young Adult Romance today", Mary reminds her gently. "So if you're not sure about the whole thing, why not give it a test run today, while you edit, and if you’re still not convinced by tomorrow, you can simply tell me that it won't work out."  
"That isn't today, that's like next week or-" Jen looks on her phone and makes a sound that cannot be described as graceful by any means. "Okay, that is today."  
"Go and get it done, then."  
"Why is this so important to you?"  
"Well, I'm only here to help. And you should eat something before you start editing."  
"No time", Jenna says, pops into the kitchen to say goodbye to her children for the day and is up in the writing room in no time at all, even before the realization that she has just left her kids with this strange nanny again can even properly sink in.  
Jenna takes a moment to hit herself on the forehead repeatedly while her laptop is booting up, and asks the universe what the freaking frack is wrong with her. She does not find an answer, but comes to the conclusion that Mary could've killed her children off last night if that is what she was meaning to do.  
Of course, she could also be a crazy stalker here to kidnap all of them when the time comes. Oh yes, the future is looking bright today.  
Then all of those thoughts are pushed far into the back of her mind, when she loads up the second draft of the aforementioned romance novel and realizes that she does in fact have more than half a hundred pages still to get through.  
Jen sighs. She has always been on time with her deadlines, which is probably the reason that they got shorter and shorter over the years - and again, she has never had a problem with that, since she actually likes her work, most of the time.  
Yet with nobody else in the house to take care of the kids, or care of her, or someone to at least talk to when she is utterly stuck on something in the story, it has become increasingly difficult to get her work done on time.  
This particular draft has been with her all the way through the break up, the impending divorce and her baby steps as a sole raiser of three children. And as much as she loves spending time with the kids, it’s not exactly easy to juggle both things at once.  
So it’s not a wonder that for the first time in a long while, today Jenna loses herself in her writing with almost reckless abandon, in a way she hasn’t done in a long time.


	3. three

Jenna gets through her draft while the day is still... well, young would be a giant overstatement, but at least the day is still today and not tomorrow, and she sends off her revisions feeling not like an utter failure anymore, at least. She is quite sure that her editor is going to have a lot to say about her revision and that she is going to have that draft back in her inbox before the week is out, but it's the best she can do right now, and that is all that matters.  
Jenna checks her calendar this time, to see what else is going on.  
She has to crit a few books for the month still, but she can't do that before she has even read them. Then there is the second publishing house that wants to take her under its wing. She has not told them no yet, even though she'll have to - there are a few first drafts she could pitch, projects she is actually really excited about, but how is she supposed to get all of that extra work done as well, when she can't even manage her current load?  
It is a shame, too, since she has wanted to work with that publisher for ages. She types out a lengthy email declining the offer and then deletes it, instead making her way downstairs.  
Mary is in the kitchen when Jenna comes in, just cleaning up what must've been a late lunch for everyone. She looks up.  
"Oh, there you are. I was thinking about bringing you something to eat, but you seemed very concentrated."  
"I'm starving and unconcentrated", Jenna mumbles and then sets upon the quest of determining where the toast is so she can make herself a sandwich.  
"Where are the kids?"  
"They're napping. At least Michael and the baby are, I'm pretty sure that Jane is reading a book once again."  
"Well, that is just what you should be doing with your nap time, to be honest. I mean, who wants to actually nap?"  
"Sounds totally lame", Mary agrees. "By the way, you should go and sleep as well."  
"I'm fine", Jenna protests weakly, since Mary is absolutely right and they both know it. "Anyway, we need to talk."  
"Oh, is this the break-up talk? I was hoping I'd last a little bit longer than that."  
That is definitely below the belt, and Mary seems to know it immediately, since she puts a hand on Jen's arm when she looks up, furious, and simply says: "I'll make that toast for you."  
Jenna drops down on a chair, trying not to feel like a total failure, and rests her chin on her hands.  
"I've been thinking", she says.  
"Really? One should never do too much of that, it makes one all confused."  
"Well, you know, you were right about it being better for the children if someone is watching over them. And I've got some big stuff coming up as well. And they do seem to really like you."  
"And you also really want to take that second publishing contract", Mary finishes for her.  
"Hey!"  
"I'm sorry?"  
"There is no way you could know that. Okay, this is really starting to freak me out right now."  
"I know things, sweety. It's in the job description."  
Jenna blinks. "Retracting my earlier statement, I'd very much like you to leave this house until further notice."  
"Are you gonna find yourself another sitter, then?"  
"I am completely fine with taking care of all of this myself."  
"Jenna, you seem like a good person, and this is why I'll be telling you something now."  
"Do I want to hear it?"  
"Probably not, but that is beside the point." Mary sits down opposite of her, the empty plate in her hands.  
"I have come here because your children needed a sitter. I can't tell you exactly how I knew that, and if I did, you'd call me mad-"  
"Oh, I'm calling you mad anyway, believe me", Jenna interrupts, before thinking that maybe it's not the best idea to say that to someone who is obviously mad.  
"My point is, I'm always and only called to families who need me."  
"Families who don't need you wouldn't put out an advert, right?"  
"Oh, I don't follow adverts. I simply know where to go at the right time."  
"So you're saying, you've got like a magical children in need finder?"  
"Yeah. And to be honest, most of the time, the parents of these children are simply outrageously unconcerned with caring for their children. Most of them are rich, actually, which always surprises me."  
"And you're saying that I'm one of those parents." The words sting more than Jenna wants to admit.  
"I am not saying that at all. This is why we're having this conversation. If you were one of my normal clients, I'd simply blow a bit of fairy dust your way, and you'd be happy with everything I did for the next month at least."  
"So is this what happened yesterday? You came into my house and drugged me?"  
"Basically, yes. But you are a special case. I can really see that you're trying to give your children a good life, but you haven't connected that well with them in the past, and you've got a lot of work on your hands as well. So, if you continue to do this on your own, without any help from the outside, one of two things is going to happen: Either you're gonna give up on writing, at least in the way you're doing it right now, for like, forever. And even though you won't be aware of it consciously, you'll always blame that on your children. Even if you keep writing, you'll always know subconsciously that your children stole the time and energy you would have otherwise devoted into a great career that now you'll never have."  
"Or?"  
"Or you're gonna eventually give in, and hire someone to take care of them, and then you're gonna be the far away mom, the one they rarely see at all, and to them you're always gonna be the one who put her career over them. Even to yourself, if you really think about it, which of course you'll try not to do since it'll hurt, but on long drunk evenings somewhen in twenty to fourty years, you'll regret not having taken that time for your children, and then, you'll come to hate your job for taking that away from you. Either way, you're gonna end up hating everyone and everything, especially yourself, and have a truly gruesome life."  
There is a bit of silence, and then a loud ping when the bread jumps out of the toaster.  
"So you're saying that that is me. That there is no way I'm gonna be able to do both of these things on my own."  
"I'm definitely not saying that everyone who is a single parent isn't able to bring up their kids on their own. I am, however, saying that in your specific case, it is very unlikely that you'll succeed on my own."  
"Out of my house."  
Mary looks up from buttering the toast and raises her eyebrows. "Well, I should've expected that reaction, I guess."  
"You do not get to judge me like that, okay? You do not."  
"I am not judging you." She lays a soothing arm on Jenna's hand, and then hands her the sandwich with her other hand, which somehow just really does not befit the gravity of the situation.  
"I am here to make your life easier."  
"By taking care of my children, since I am too stupid to do that on my own? I think the fuck not."  
"Well, your language sure isn't appropriate for the kids, that much I can say safely."  
Jenna shoots her a look, and Mary's smile vanishes.  
"Okay, okay, I get it. That is probably an appropriate reaction to what I just said, and the reason I normally don't tell parents about my motives. But the fact is, I'm here and I'm ready to help you carry your load. Not forever, simply for however long you need a helping hand. There is no shame in admitting that."  
"And you're gonna do that for free." She is trying to stay angry, but somehow finds that she cannot. It might have something to do with all those drugs that Mary is somehow using.  
"I'm gonna want to stay in the house of course, and have my fair share of meals, but otherwise, the pure happiness of what I'm doing far outweighs any payment you could not be giving me anyway."  
"I could very well pay you."  
"You could probably pay me, I'll give you that, but it's gonna drain your funds surprisingly fast. And I don't need the money anyway, what would I be doing with it?"  
Jenna stares at her for a little bit longer.  
"A week, maybe. To see how it works out?"  
And if in that week she discovers that Mary Poppins is in reality a crazy stalker bitch, well, maybe she can make money out of it by going to court or something. In that moment, another thought hits her, however.  
"Wait. Am I just saying this because of your elve powder?"  
"Fae dust. And no, I did not use any."  
"Good."  
"Of course, I could absolutely be lying about this, and you would never know." She sees Jen's face and backpedals quickly. "But I am not."  
Jenna wants to say something, finds that she has nothing to say, and instead (because her mouth is already open now, anyway) she bites into her sandwich.  
"It's nice of you to tell me about all of your plans, at least."


	4. Chapter 4

Later that day, Jenna goes to talk to Jane, who of course has not napped any during nap time, but instead read a very big, very interesting-looking book with fancily dressed people on the cover.

"Is Miss Poppins doing a nice hob keeping the both of you occupied?", she asks straight away.

"She is very nice", Jane says without even having to think about it. "Yesterday, she taught us how to talk to birds, and today, she is going to show us how to clean up the nursery."

"Well, that is surely a life skill that can always need a little bit of refining. Not that sure about the _talking to birds_ bit, but if you had fun ..."

"We did. But..." Jane chews on her lip. "Mom, that doesn't mean that you aren't going to be there at all anymore, right?"

"Obviously not. Miss Poppins is just starting out, anyway, and we'll figure out if a nanny works for us at all, okay?"

"She is brilliant", Jane says. "It's gonna work out splendidly."

"What are you talking about?", Michael asks, who is only slowly coming back to a state of awakeness.

"Miss Poppins."

"She is wonderful", Michael says, and then rolls over and snores for another good five minutes.

Jenna leaves both of them in their room and instead goes to find the baby, only to realize that it is not there anymore. When she comes downstairs, she is not even surprised to find it in Mary's arms instead, happily snoring away while she sings a little lullaby that seems to be centered around paintings and chimneys (it makes for an odd combination, but the melody is very soothing).

"And there you are", she says, when she sees Jenna. "Off to work again?"

Jenna shrugs, and then, when she truly does think about it, she decides that actually, she does not want to go back to work. 

"I guess I'll just plan what I'm gonna do during the next few days", she decides instead.

It turns out to be quite a fun evening, all of them popped in front of the tv, watching three consecutive Disney movies until Mary decides that it is time for bed. Jenna takes the kids upstairs, sing three consecutive lullabies and almost falls asleep at the foot of Jane and Michael’s bed.

When she comes back downstairs, Mary has already taken care of the dishes (which really is not in the job description of a nanny, Jen thinks, but since she hates doing the dishes, she won‘t complain about it), and is currently busy pulling a blanket over the sofa.

„ You‘re sleeping here?“, Jenna asks, realizing that Mary must‘ve done the same thing last night. Mary looks up, with her eyebrows raised.

„ If you wanted me to sleep outside on the porch, you should‘ve simply said the word.“

„ Very funny. That would make for terrible press.“ Jenna rubs her face, trying to decide if she is ready to do this, deciding she isn‘t and then doing it anyway.

„ You know, Marcus had a room in the attic, for when I worked late and stuff like that. There‘s a futon in there, and some other things that he didn‘t take with him when he moved out.“

„ And you want me to sleep there?“

No, she really doesn‘t, because she doesn‘t want to go into that room ever again, but Jen guesses that it‘s time.

„ I mean, it‘s just stupid to sleep on the sofa when there is a perfectly good bed about.“

„ I wouldn‘t really consider a futon a full fledged bed, but go ahead, please.“

And so Jenna leads Mary up the attic and opens the door, for a second overwhelmed by the scent of Marcus that is still in the air. She has to actually take a step back when she sees the room, just like how she remembers it, with all the things that remind her of him still in place.

Mary makes her way past her, steadying her slightly with a light touch, and then surveying the room.

„ That‘s a nice place to sleep“, she finally says and sits down on the futon.

„ I‘m gonna go then“, Jenna says, suddenly feeling as awkward as a fifteen year old girl on her first ever sleepover.

„ Why did you break up with him?“, Mary asks suddenly. Jenna, who has already turned around, looks back.

„ You don‘t have to tell me, of course“, she says, and it‘s because of that that Jenna does respond.

„ He was seeing another woman. It can‘t have been too serious, since he still keeps coming around and begging for my forgiveness now and then, claiming how she was his mistake.“ The words come flowing out of her now, since she has kept them bottled up for so long. „But what do I know. Maybe he tells the other girl the exact same thing.“

„ He‘s still coming around, you say?“ The smile on Mary‘s face is anything but friendly, and Jenna laughs in a _ trying to be amused, but actually dead inside _ kind of way.

„ Please don‘t set him on fire, okay?“

„ No setting on fires is going to be happening. At least that‘s what I hope.“

Jenna leaves Mary to her plotting and makes her way back to her writing room, when she suddenly realizes that for the first time in what feels like forever, she actually doesn‘t have to work right now. There are no deadlines she is cursedly behind on, no all nighters full of a writing frenzy to get back on track.

Of course, she‘ll still have to do a lot of shit come tomorrow, but for the first time, she can go to bed at a reasonable time.

Or, of course, continue working.

Mary finds her about two hours later, mechanically tapping away.

„ I thought you were going to sleep.“

„ I thought so too, but then I remembered that work is a thing that people do.“

„ Most people don‘t do it at two am, but suit yourself.“

Jenna turns around, trying to not look as crazed as she is feeling.

„ I‘ve just been letting everything go, you know? Like, I came back here and I realized that during the last, I don‘t know, half of a year, I was totally fine with handing in everything last minute, in a state that cannot even be described by the word okay anymore, but that is not okay. I need to get back on track with everything and-“

„ You‘re freaking out.“

„ I don‘t know what you mean, I‘m simply being productive.“

„ Are you now.“ Mary leans over her shoulder and considers the two paragraphs on the nearly empty page in front of her. „I don‘t wanna say you‘re being  _ unproductive _ , but it sure doesn‘t feel like especially worthwhile either, don‘t you think?“

Jenna sighs, and withstands the sudden need to push Mary away, since she hates it when people read her writing. Mary, however, does not comment on the few lines she has written so far, simply takes the chair in the corner of the room, drags it next to Jen‘s and sits down on it.

„ And what exactly are you doing now?“

„ I‘m helping you sort your life out.“

„ Pretty sure that wasn‘t on your responsibilities list, but go ahead.“

Mary grabs a notepad and a marker, and begins to write two words that, even upside down, look terrifyingly like „to do“.

„ You‘re writing a to do list for me? Gosh, I hate those things.“

„ You do now. Your opinion will change.“

„ Are drugs involved?“

Mary actually laughs at that, a melodious, high laugh that sounds like the melody to a song long forgotten. Jenna notes that she does not, in fact, answer the question.

„ So, I want you to breathe, and then look at your calendar and tell me all the deadlines you have this month.“

Jenna breathes, once, twice, thrice, and then does in fact look at her calendar.

„ I need to read and crit three books. That‘s in my contract with the publisher, and if I don‘t do that on time, they‘re gonna cut part of my funds and it‘s gonna be-“

„ Breathe.“

Mary writes „read and crit 3 books for pub“ on the notepad, and then does something that Jenna honest to god has never thought about doing, which is splitting up the goal into smaller sections, in this case, „read book one, crit book one“ and so forth.

„ So since there are about three weeks left into the month, it‘d make sense to do one book per week, right?“

„ But what about a safety net?! I might not finish the last one on time, or I get really sick, or Godzilla enters my household and eats the book-“

„ Breathe before you speak. And then breathe again instead of speaking. It works wonders, believe me.“

„ Okay, next goal“, she says, when Jenna – who, after all, is concentrated on breathing – doesn‘t reply.

And like that, they work through the entire month‘s workload. It is still a lot to take in, but somehow it‘s less stressful now, because there are clear goals to fulfill every week, and quotas to tell Jen exactly if she is behind, doing okay, or even ahead.

„ That is pure genius“, she admits.

„ Actually, it‘s like the oldest trick in the book. And your to do list for tonight is sleeping, so go do that now, or I‘m gonna punch you in the throat.“

And with that, they go to bed.


	5. five

The next week is simultaneously one of the weirdest and greatest in Jenna's life.

Mary is there constantly and she doesn't only babysit the children and do the dishes and take care of Jen's anxiety, but on the third day, when wouldn't you have thought it, Marcus is on the porch again, she literally throws some vitamin shake in his face and tells him to fuck out of there real quick if he doesn’t want her to call the cops on grounds of repeated stalking.

And he actually does (after making some comment about lesbian divorcees which leaves Jen and Mary both furious and slightly awkward for the rest of the day). They celebrate that by watching yet another Disney movie and eating homemade popcorn.

It’s not all fun and games, of course. The edit Jenna sent off a few days ago comes back with a serious note from the editor that basically says "we really can't print it like that, I'm sorry" and Jen freaks out for quite a bit, but she finally calls the publisher and asks for an extension on the print date and it all works out in the end.

There are still days when life gets in the way, of course. A remarkable one is the day when Michael decides to fall down the stairs and set the stove on fire not even thirty minutes apart from each other.

And yet, everything is going way more smoothly than it has in a while (and maybe even ever, but ever is such a strong word that she doesn't really want to use it). Not everything she is writing is good, of course, but at least she has a good amount of hours spent writing every day, and doesn't need to worry about what exactly her children are doing while she is trying to work.

She laughs more, as well, and sleeps more, and eats... well, at least she is eating, so that is a plus.

It turns out that, on top of all, Mary is also a good cook, and after about four days of Jenna not showing up for meals because she simply forgets that there is a thing called mealtimes, Mary grows tired of bringing her luke warm food to eat while she is writing, and instead tells her that the professional thing to do would be to take a lunch break.

When the week is over, and everyone, including the baby, is absolutely smitten with Mary, it's not a big decision that she is staying in the house - and yet, Jenna ponders over it for quite a while, still. She is not too happy with not paying her, but Mary keeps insisting that she doesn't want any money.

There is also the fact that all of them have taken to this complete stranger so quickly that it feels like she’s been there years already. Jenny can’t help but grow a bit jealous sometimes, when she sees Mary joking around with her children in a way that Jen herself hasn’t managed in quite some time. Mary seems to understand this problem without needing to be told about it, like she does with everything else-

"You are still their mother", she promises. "And it might not feel that way, but you'll always have a special place in their heart that nobody else could ever enter, least of all me."

There is no bitterness in her words, and no demeaning cleverness either. She is not trying to be the bigger person. She simply is the bigger person.

And so Jenna decides that if anyone should be allowed into this house, it should be Mary Poppins, although the weirdness that seems to surround Mary still freaks her out sometimes.

She seems to know everything about everyone without having ever been told about any of it. Plus there is the fact that sometimes, Jenna could swear she is not walking down the stairs, but more like floating. Which makes no sense whatsoever, and Jen finally contributes that impression to being too tired to function, even though that is no longer true most of the time.

It's weird. Her life is weird. Mary is super weird.

And yet she is happy.


	6. six

They celebrate Jenna’s new bookdeal by staying in a house on the beach for two days. Jane does not like the beach and spends her time on a towel, reading. Michael loves the beach. The baby is not unhappy, but not too happy with the general situation either.

All in all, they are having a great time and nobody mentions the fact that they're mistaken for a couple at least three times, and that Jenna gets extremely red in the face every single time.

It's awkward, but in the kind of way that makes your face tingle in preparation for more awkwardness.

They go back home, Mary helps her plan out the next month and then announces that they have to think bigger, so they make something she calls yearly goals. Jenna protests that it's the mid of July, but mere things like reality have obviously never stopped Mary before.

They bake together, because apparently, you can never start baking early enough in the year. They laugh together, because there are suddenly things to laugh about.

The redecorate the rooms. Jenna finally throws out most of the stuff that was still in Marcus' room and everything else that reminds her of him. Mary does keep the futon, because she has finally made her peace with it. They buy a new sofa with Jenna's next paycheck and then, because they do not know when to stop, they buy some other things as well, and then some more, and then they kinda end up redoing the whole house bit by bit.

When Christmas comes, Mary has lived with them for only half a year, and yet Jenna cannot remember how life worked without her.

Which is why she has a panic attack when Mary announces that she has to leave.

"What?" She stares at her, clutching her stomach as if it is a living thing that might jump out of her throat and fall to the floor gasping for breath any second now.

"I just need to go. I've helped you get back on track, and you're having so much fun with the kids. I'm sure you'll manage without me." Mary does not look at her. "You have to understand, there are other kids I need to go to, to help them as well."

"Why do you need to do that, though?" It's late at night, and they have just watched a movie, only the two of them, the children are all upstairs and sleeping, and they have maybe (or maybe not) cuddled a bit, under the pretense of it being cold. It's December 27, between the years, and imagining celebrating New Years without Mary here threatens to break Jenna’s head.

"It's complicated."

"Explain away."

"You know, when I was little..." She trails off.

"You've been little once?", Jenna asks to break the silence.

"I'm sure I've never been little, actually, since I always remember wearing a hat, and how could I have done that if I was smaller than I am now?"

"Yes, a very good argument. It's also not entirely what we're talking about right now."

Mary smiles, but quickly grows somber once again. "When I was a kid, my parents weren't around."

Jenna wants to say something, anything, really, and finds that she cannot.

"So I decided that I would be around for the children of other parents, you know? Because that was the only thing I wished for when I was little."

"And you never had anyone to be around."

Mary nods. And Jenna decides that it is now or never.

"But you still don't have anyone, do you?"

"Huh?"

"It's nice and extremely selfless and respectable of you that you have taken it upon yourself to help all the children in the world. But you've got a right to have a home as well."

"I've got a home. Several of them, actually."

"But nothing permanent. You always travel from one family to another. You never stand still. You don't breathe."

Mary looks up, face screwed up in some kind of emotion that Jen has never seen on it before.

"That might be true. It's not like I can change that, though."

"You can. You've done amazing work, and I don't mean to say that you should stop doing it. But... you know, if you do want to stay..."

"Yes?"

"You could probably stay. The house is too big for four people, anyway."

The house is in no way too big for four people, but they do not talk about that.

Mary smiles a very, very slow smile. "I guess I could help in other ways. Like, set up a foundation in India or something."

It is the first time she is open, vulnerable, and Jen leans forward before she has time to reconsider.

Their kiss tastes of cookies and wishes and new roads taken.

Mary is the one who ends it, slowly, deliberately, as if she actively has to tell herself to let go.

"I guess I could live with that", she says. There's a dream in her eyes, Jen can see it, but she sees the other thing as well, the fear of not doing enough, of not  _ being  _ enough to warrant being happy.

„ You could do it“, she whispers, an urgency in her voice that she has never felt before.

And Mary nods, very slowly. „I could.“

The next morning, she is gone and only her umbrella remains.


End file.
